In every congregation or community there will, at some time, be a person so incapacitated that they are unable to respond to the people around them. Maybe they are in the latter stages of dementia, in a coma following a traumatic accident or simply so close to the end of their life that the ability to interact with the world around is completely, or almost completely, gone. Maybe their mental health struggles are so profound that they for now cannot engage.
Scripture reminds us that such people are just as precious, just as much in the image of God, as the rest of us. We do not need to be active or speaking for the Lord to love us. We do not need to be serving to be a valuable part of the body of Christ. Indeed, the weak are to be afforded special honour. Our pastoral instincts tell us that visiting such friends is a good thing to do. But how might we spend our time with them when they cannot interact with us? How do we visit someone who cannot respond?
Often the best first point of call is to ask a close relative, carer or friend what would be appropriate. Those who spend the most time with the person often know what’s best. And generally, they are keen to equip people to visit the one they love so much. But, if you are seeking some general ideas, maybe try some of these:
- Don’t be afraid of silence. Presence is powerful. Just sitting and being with someone can be an encouragement to them – and to their close relatives. There is no pressure to say something profound or do something extraordinary. Sitting, in love, next to a brother or sister in Christ, is an act of deep care.
- Engage in appropriate touch. People may not be able to speak but often they can still feel sensations – touch can be a wonderful way to convey care. The touch needs to be appropriate, of course. Often a light holding of hands or a hand on their arm may be best. Though, if there is a possibility that touch could cause significant pain, physical or emotional, it should be avoided. But the simple act of engaging physically can bring a reminder to people that they are not alone.
- Consider reading to them. You might pick a Bible passage. You might want to visit regularly and read chapters from a much-loved book. Aim for something familiar. Aim to be encouraging. Maybe something that reminds them how much they are loved by the Lord – and by those around.
- Share music with them. Nothing too loud or raucous, but music can speak volumes into the lives of those who may well still be able to hear. See if you can remember particular favourites of theirs. Feel free to share particular favourites of yours. Instrumental music can soothe – Christian songs or hymns can stir the heart to trust. Music can reach the places words alone cannot.
- Tell them your news. You might want to be wise about what you share, but it’s absolutely fine to pass on what you’ve been up to at the weekend. That visit to the park, that meal out, that sporting victory, that funny story that ended up with you dropping the Sunday lunch and it getting eaten by the dog…all things that help bring a little normality to an atypical situation. Share what Jesus has been doing in your life too – share testimony to his goodness and care. If a relative or carer is there too, your news may encourage them – the little things of life often do.
- Pray for them. They may be unable to turn to the Lord in conscious ways, but they may be able to hear your words. Pray for them. Pray for hope, for love, for comfort, and for a deep awareness of the Lord’s care. It’s wise to be thoughtful about how we pray – remember these words might be heard – they need to build up not tear down. But prayer between believers is always beautiful, even if one person cannot say “amen”.
- Acknowledge sadness alongside them. No-one in dire straits benefits from their visitors breaking down in out-of-control emotional distress but neither is it necessary to be all chirpy as if nothing is wrong. There is an appropriateness about expressing words of lament when things are hard. We can express our sadness at their situation. Maybe not every time but sometimes. A simple, “I’m sorry this is so hard” might be wise.
- Don’t feel the need to stay long. Regular short visits tend to be more appreciated than occasional long ones. Come – engage – leave, with an expectation of return. Hopefully people will be able to look forward to your next visit, even if only in very limited ways.
- Tell others of your visit. We do not want to be proud or trumpeting our compassion but communication and encouragement with others is key. If there is a visitors’ book near their bed, write in it so loved ones know you have been – leave a message of encouragement and care. If there are others at church wondering about whether to go along or not, let them know you have been and reflect on how the visit has been for you.
- Prepare for your next visit. While the most recent visit is fresh in your mind, think about what next. How might you build on what you did last time? What might you want to change?
And with all that in mind, visit away. What a privilege it is: “as I have loved you, so you must love one another” says the Lord (John 13:34). It may be hard – at times deeply sad – but what comfort and hope we can bring into the darkness. Brief reminders of the eternal God can be a blessing beyond compare.
