‘Careful!’ The look of horror on our host’s face remains emblazoned on my memory. I was in my late teens and had been invited for supper by a couple in church. The wife, a keen sugar artist, was showing me some exquisitely dainty floral decorations. They looked so real! She invited me to lift one out. As I was replacing it, I misjudged the bottom of the box. It was dropped (as opposed to gently placed). A bolt of fear struck as we both peered worryingly into the white cardboard cake box. Mercifully, flower intact. Teenager relieved. Baker a little miffed. An early lesson in gentleness.
What is gentleness? Billy Graham, quoted by author Jerry Bridges in The Practice of Godliness, describes it as a “mildness in dealing with others…display(ing) a sensitive regard for others and is careful never to be unfeeling for the rights of others”. He goes on to liken it to handling exquisite crystal glasses (or sugar flowers) that are fragile and need to be handled with extreme care.
Words are powerful
Have you ever thought about the influence we can carry in helping conversations? Someone places their trust in us with the fine icing of their lives. As they do we become a curator of their story, called to hold and handle it with extreme care. How we respond as they share hard things is crucial – suffering or sin that have been perhaps hidden in the closets of their lives and are now exposed, blinking in the harsh light between help-giver and help-receiver. How do we respond? What do we say next? We carry influence in our words. Words are powerful. And if someone has placed trust in us with their story, they believe that we can help them. What happens next is crucial.
Gentleness can be life-giving, but words that twist away from truth can break someone. “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)
Paul says similar things. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) Don’t let your words be rotten – they’ll only make someone sick! Let your words encourage and give grace. This can be true not only of spoken but also typed communication. Words are powerful and require gentleness.
Position is powerful
But our position with another person can also wield influence that requires gentleness. We may have pastoral or professional experience in helping others. We may have done training for ministry or in caring professions and have qualifications. We may hold a position in church. We may be respected in the church family. And no matter how much we feel ill-equipped and inadequate for our task of helping others, we do well to consider that others see us as equipped to care. We may carry power that we don’t believe or feel we have. But shepherds – even when we don’t feel like shepherds – are warned not to treat the flock with harshness (Ezekiel 34), but rather to restore gently (Galatians 6:1).
God is powerful – and gentle
Our God is such a gentle God, isn’t he? From the very beginning, he hovers over the face of the deep (Genesis 1:3; Deuteronomy 32:10, 11) and brings everything into being with a voice of gentle grandeur, “Let there be…”. Absolute power expressed with inviting care rather than sharp command. From there God reveals himself as a guiding, providing shepherd in the wilderness. He’s a father to a newborn nation. “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” is Psalm 103’s beautiful summary of covenant gentleness. In an age where kings were characterised by oppressive authority, God’s chosen sovereign writes in Psalm 23 of how his king makes him lie down in green pastures, leads him by still waters and restores his soul. When the Messiah-king arrives on scene in history, he describes himself as gentle and lowly in heart – he is characterised by a mild and gentle friendliness.
Growing a spirit of gentleness
How do we reflect this gentleness in our care of others? Let’s identify the need. Where do you see a tendency to lack gentleness, particularly in your helping relationships? Think of the life problems that care places before us. Are there sins in the lives of others that evoke force and judgment in your spirit? Consider also the relationship in the room. What are your tendencies in the face of silence or resistance in the person you’re helping? Or when someone is presenting as arrogant or entitled? Or if your competence is being questioned or challenged? How do you respond with an over-talkative person who wants to only speak and not listen? How do you cope in the presence of emotions of anxiety, distress, crying, or anger? How do you feel? How do you respond? What do you say? Does it reflect the gentle restoration of Christ?
It is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. A heart that is resting under the care of Jesus, and learning from his gentle and lowly heart, will reflect that in word and disposition. There are times when we are called to warn and admonish those going astray. But the same Paul also exhorts us to restore the wanderer in a spirit of gentleness. A forceful approach will provoke defensiveness, drive people into hiding, and break the spirit.
Gentleness invites and restores. As our own lives come increasingly under the yoke of Jesus’ gentle love ourselves, we will handle one another with the care with which we have been handled.
