“I struggle with repentance some days. If I’m honest, I struggle with it a lot of days. In my head, I know it’s a godly call – a liberating path – a way to grow to be more like Christ – but I don’t really like doing it. In fact, I’m avoiding it. I’m like the prodigal in the pigsty before he chose to get up and start walking – I know I am better off in my father’s house but I don’t want to turn around and head home.”
My friend was pouring out her heart. She was struggling with a destructive behaviour which she wanted to shake but which still had a tight grip on her life. The path of repentance and faith, whilst clear, was not proving an easy one to walk.
She is not alone. Many of us find the concept and the practice of repentance hard. Even though it’s a familiar biblical call, the healthy core of our faith, it somehow gets pushed aside.
Last week, while on a train, I was pondering the question of why we find it hard to repent. It was a long journey, a late train – and I had no seat. I could feel the bitterness and resentment building up in my heart. I was angry at a train company that so frequently causes me to make last minute rearrangements. My circumstances were not my fault, but the inner grumbling was my responsibility – my glee at listening to others’ murmurings was my choice. My tendencies towards self-pity and self-righteousness showed their heads. And yet repentance did not come quickly. Was there an easy answer to the why question? Not as easy as we might assume.
If you’ve been standing on a late-running train recently you’ll be aware there are limited options to pass the time of day. Those seated have the luxury of typing or holding items such as books – those standing have a more limited option range. There is some people-watching to be done but it’s inappropriate to gaze at any individual for too long. There is the looking out of the window at the scenery option but when you’re stationary next to a shed that has limited appeal. There are the regular – occasionally amusing – announcements over the Tannoy from the beleaguered guard, trying their best to keep many grumpy passengers informed. And then there is the repeated advert from British Transport Police…maybe you know how it ends? See it. Say it. Sorted.
See it
There are many reasons why we find repentance hard but maybe one of the biggest is we do not see our sin as it truly is. Maybe we are in the habit of comparing ourselves with others – and, in the grand scheme of things, our transgressions don’t seem too bad, so we tell ourselves our wayward heart is no big deal. Maybe we don’t notice the impact of our attitudes and actions on others – or recall what they cost Christ. Or maybe, at the other end of the spectrum, we see our sin as much more insurmountable than it really is and get overwhelmed. Or could it be we have stopped seeing that repentance is designed to be a normal part of life – not burdening or guilt-inducing but completely beautiful – the route to freedom and change. For some of us, the reason we find repentance hard is that we just don’t see things clearly at all.
Say it
Others of us see our sin but still we struggle to get out the words of repentance. It’s hard to say sorry, it seems. Maybe we’re living in an environment where the culture is never to admit your faults and it’s hard to go against the flow. Maybe we have a view of God which means he feels unsafe to approach – we imagine him shaking a finger, raising his voice, rolling his eyes in despair. Maybe we’ve had experiences in the past when we have admitted failings and that has been turned against us – used as ammunition to hurt us more. Maybe we just don’t like those temporary uncomfortable feelings that come with acknowledging fault – we would prefer to keep them at bay. For some of us, the words get stuck because we are worried what will happen after we have said our words.
Sorted
Others still fall into a third camp. Maybe we are clear about our need for forgiveness – articulate about saying sorry – but we cannot quite believe that’s the end of the story. Surely God expects us to make it up to him somehow? Maybe we can accept we are sinners but not that God says “forgiven, dealt with, done” without further ado. Maybe we have lived with those who chose law over grace and we expect God to treat us the same way. Maybe our past nudges us to assume we should make ourselves suffer even though God does not. Some of us repent but don’t grasp the liberty and love that the Lord offers in abundance – the fact that he sorts out our sinful hearts.
It’s complex. There are many reasons why repentance does not flow. And we do well not to assume what might be the stumbling block for us or our friends. As you look at the possibilities above, maybe you can see the place where you get stuck. Maybe you can spot a possible sticking point for someone you are walking alongside. It’s a limited list but might be helpful as a diagnostic tool. Knowing what’s getting in the way is the first step towards addressing the obstacle. We can ask ourselves: Do we need to see our sin more clearly? Understand that speaking is safe and good? Know the reality of God’s lavish grace? Identify that and we can begin to find our way.
Repentance may never be easy for those of us with wayward hearts but having a nuanced approach to understanding the problem will help. Then, rather than being a prodigal sat in a mess, or an older brother determined to consider ourselves better than others, we can simply see our heart as it truly is – run back into our Father’s arms speaking words of humility – and know the joy of forgiveness and strength to change (Luke 15).
